Thirty Years I’ve Been On This Planet

But I’m Still Not an Adult

This note has a title: Bday.

I jotted it down in my phone after waking up very hungover on my 30th birthday. I thought it might make the start of a good story. Here’s what it says:

Last night I went out with my brother and sister to this bar in New Jersey and did shots of Jack Daniels Tennessee Fire and was chatted up by an electrician from Ringwood named Albert and the vision of me being a Jersey housewife very briefly crossed my mind. It was horrifying.

Now, that’s not really quite the start of a story because it is, more or less, the whole story. Here are a few more details:

The bar was surprisingly hopping for Northern New Jersey, and we played bar games including giant Jenga and that one where you try to toss a ring on a hook. We did shots. Then a few more shots. Then Albert bought me one after I commented on how the chicken wings he was devouring smelled delicious. The fact that I approached a guy to chat about chicken wings should tell you something about my state of mind. He was a very stereotypical New Jersey guy and I think he may have appeared on MTV’s Jersey Shore. Though, I might just be mistaking him for this guy:

I don’t remember much about the drive home. I, obviously, was not the driver. I’ve been told my head may have been out the window, but I maintain I was just getting fresh air. I do remember getting back to my sister’s house where I immediately went into the bathroom and spent the night on the floor, which was, to my surprise, very cozy.

There are several lessons I learned that night and into the next morning:

1. Don’t drink Jack Daniels Tennessee Fire. Ever. It will always be a very bad choice.
2. Don’t eat a large dinner comprised of seafood prior to drinking excess amounts of Jack Daniels Tennessee Fire. You will absolutely regret it.
3. I am actually capable of falling asleep with my head on the rim of the toilet bowl. I didn’t learn this until I turned 30. I think that’s an accomplishment.
4. Single siblings are incredibly fun to go out with! Yes — those little brats who used to bicker in the back seat of the car so much that I was always stuck in the middle acting as the human Berlin Wall Of The Back Seat — they are actually fun human beings as adults! They make great wingmen/wingwomen and are especially kind when taking care of your embarrassingly drunk self.
5. Bacon always was and always will be my go-to hangover food. Turkey bacon is a poor, sad substitute. If you can’t have real bacon, some other pork product may suffice. When in New Jersey, for example, go with Taylor Ham. Definitely don’t waste your time with turkey bacon.

Overall, I rang in my 30th birthday with a bang. This is really how I’d like the next decade to go, minus the Jack Daniels and the Jersey: embracing me, embracing the moment, embracing family and friends and fun.